poseycorp helps innovators become great communicators. (Sometimes by sending out helpful stuff in a newsletter.)
ISSUE 158
Fear and loathing at work
"Anger is often what pain looks like when it shows itself in
public."
-- Krista Tippett
When your colleague or boss is losing their s**t, 90% of what’s going on is NOT about you. It’s about layers of underlying conscious and unconscious fear and pain that person is carrying.
It took me maybe ten years (slow learner) to understand that my constant rage at my first big job was really my fear. I was terrified of failing, overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility, and so afraid that I was not up to the task. So I bit into everything with fangs and talons exposed and forced results to keep my fear at bay. We did get great results. But it was not pretty. Knowing that someone is scared is necessary, but not sufficient. It’s just a part of your strategy. Should you say, “Hey Ted, I know you’re secretly afraid you won’t make the quarter.”? No. If Ted isn’t self-aware or interested in being vulnerable with
you, that approach can backfire. Hard. Instead, first take care of yourself. De-escalate and exit the situation as gracefully as possible. “I hear you Ted. You’re making an important point. I’ll come back to you after the meeting I have to get to right now.” Once you’ve walked away from sputtering angry Ted, take a few breaths. Do NOT take what was said personally, but perhaps record it for HR. Then spend a few moments thinking about what Ted might be consciously or unconsciously freaking out about. What can you learn from Ted’s outburst? About Ted? About the organization? About your approach?
Next time you speak to Ted, you can address his fears in an oblique and gentle manner. “Ted, we really think the new brand messaging will help deliver strong leads for this quarter. Wanna have a look?” Meanwhile, keep your HR log up to date. Because your job should not include being yelled at by Ted as a regular feature. You’re too valuable for that. If Ted can’t manage himself, you can manage yourself out of his orbit.
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